Step-parenting tips

March 7, 2007

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You have married the man of your dreams. Now, you meet his kids. How do you keep from being “Public Enemy No. 1″? I have a few tips that could keep you from constantly being on the outside looking in when it comes to your stepchildren.

1. Confer with your spouse. As a child of divorce who gained a new stepmother, I can tell you that kids will play both sides. If you are the “new mother”, start by talking with your spouse. Make sure that both of you are on the same page when it comes to the rules of the house. If you also have children, realize that the rules apply the same to everyone. If kids see that you and your spouse are divided, they will exploit this weakness. When dealing with his children, don’t refer to yourself as their “new mother” but as a responsible adult that will enforce the rules with them in his absence.

2. Give them their space. As hard as this is for you, it is also hard on the children. Treat them like you would your own kids, but also give them time to warm up to you. Don’t try too hard to be their new best friend. They will see it as phony and resent you all the more. This also doesn’t mean that you should let them walk all over you like an old doormat. They must show respect.

3. Include his children in family decisions. Even if his kids are living elsewhere, wait until they come over to make major family decisions that affect the household. At least part of the year, they will be residing under your roof and need to know that they can feel comfortable there. It’s easy to forget to include them when they aren’t a permanent member of your household, but they are still a part of your family.

4. Keep a positive attitude. Your attitude will be the key in your dealings with stepchildren. Kids are subject to mood swings, but you must keep your feelings on an even keel. If you have to excuse yourself and take a time out in the bathroom, do it. Let the kids know that you want to get to know them and you won’t give up.

5. Don’t go to bed angry. If you have an issue with how they have been disciplined by your spouse, get it out in the open that day. Keeping things bottled up inside will create tension between you and your spouse in a home that is already feeling stress. Open communication is very important in any marriage, but especially one that has additional issues from the beginning.

Step-parenting is never easy. There are expectations and tender feelings on all sides. The best way to cope is to take it slow.

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Posted by admin | Filed Under Parenting 

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