Isn’t It Time to Take the “Over” out of Over-Protective Parent?
April 14, 2008 by Kelly
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I am not a perfect parent. I’ve never claimed to be and am pretty darned sure that I’m never going to be. But I do strive to learn from my mistakes and shortcomings and hope to ultimately raise happy, well-adjusted and successful children.
As I evaluate my own parenting and look to other parents for guidance, I see a huge issue amongst so many parents today. In our ultimate goal to raise our children in safe and nurturing environments, many of us have taken this to the extreme. We’ve gone from being protective of our children to being over-protective and I wonder what effect that will have on them in the future.
When we were kids, most of us experienced a lot more freedom and the ability to grow through the experience of independence.
We walked to school on our own. We walked instead of getting a lazy ride in mom’s minivan).
We rode a bus, walked or took our bikes to the store.
We didn’t have cell phones to give our parents a false sense of security.
Some parents claim it’s because of the state of the world today. Somehow we’ve come to the mistaken conclusion that the world is a more dangerous place and we need to protect our children. We hear more about abductions and violent crimes, but are they really on the rise?
Or are we simply programmed to be scared?
The media bombards us with and focuses on stories of people being hurt, robbed and children being stolen. Product creators and sellers sell us every little gadget they can to allow us to be more safe.
Have look at this article from the National Crime Prevention Council for a little more look at the real picture.
Our kids need to be raised in a world where they have confidence and the ability to do things for themselves. They need to have common sense to deal with difficult and potentially dangerous situations. But we’re stifling our kids and keeping them from learning these important life skills.
Each child is different and as parents, we are the best judge of knowing when our children are ready for certain milestones, but start offering more independence where you can. Whether it’s your preschooler dealing with a difficult situation with a child on a playground or your preteen daughter wanting to take a trip to the local mall, try to let go a little. Give your kids space, but keep the lines of communication open so they come to you when they need help.
There’s really nothing wrong with protecting our children, but when protection turns to over-protection, it might be time to step back and decide what’s really best for our kids.
About the Author: Alice Seba is the Schmoozer in Chief at Schmoozins the online magazine that gives all women a voice. Join us as a contributor, a schmoozer or just hang out a while.
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Alice, as I read your article I was reminded of some advice a wise high school football coach once gave me on this very subject.
I was a friend and colleague of his, we were teaching at the same high school. I was a single parent raising two sons and my oldest was a sophomore. One day the coach and I happened to be in the teachers’ lounge at the same time and I was having what I thought then was a major crisis over some situation with my son (I swear that for the life of me, I can’t recall now what the problem was).
You see, I thought that as a parent it was my job to always be able to fix everything for my sons and make everything o.k. I was distraught that I might not be able to do that in this particular situation. After hearing me out on the issue, the coach looked me square in the eye and said, “Linda, if you always fix everything for them, they’ll never learn to be accountable for their actions and learn about consequences.” I have reminded myself of that advice many times since that day.
Excellent article!
I agree, Alice.
I am probably the most un-overprotective parent I know but that doesn’t mean I don’t keep a close eye out.
It drives me crazy when parents constantly try to “fix” everything for their kids. They’ll have a harder time learning how to deal with life if they are allowed to live it.
Wise advise for sure, Linda. I think if we solve everything for our kids, not only do they not learn to do things for themselves, our kids also get a distorted sense of entitlement when things don’t go their way. Sometimes things don’t work out…and we have to live with it.
Tracy, I know what you’re saying. I challenge myself each day in letting go a bit. From standing further back at the playground (kids are just 5 and 6) to letting them mess up the kitchen making peanut butter sandwiches.
Alice,
We have a whole generation of kids in middle and high school whose parents DO fix everything for them, including dealing their “nasty” teachers who “don’t like” them. It’s now at the point that kids don’t have to do what teachers require because Mom or Dad will cover for them or make a fuss in the office. That timely advice from years ago was spot on. If we do everything for our kids, they don’t learn to do anything for themselves.
We teach them to dress themselves, feed themselves, and then somewhere along the way, as they become more self-sufficient and the world seems a more frightening place for our kids out there, we control everything we can.
That control is an illusion. And we do our kids a disservice by not letting them overcome difficulties. If they have it easy now, what happens when real life come calling and no one is there to fix it?
Deb Gallardo
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I still have that “I grew up in a small town” mentality so I’m sure my kids are allowed to do more the others in regards to being outside. I am a very independent person and I’d like my kids to be able to do things on their own too.
I just was called an overprotective parent - because I was upset about my daughter and a neighbor kid going to that kids house alone - they had to cross a street, round a corner, avoid the kids dogs and let themselves in. I’m not sure how long they were there, but long enough for my DD to see the house and play wih the girls toys. Oh and they are five and six years old. Yeah, if it is overprotective for me to not let my kid go to a strangers house then overprotective I am! (I was not there at the time otherwise it would have neve happened.)
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I love Martha Beck’s mantra she learned from a mothers of Down Syndrome children support group. “Don’t do anything for your children that they can do for themselves.” Sounds harsh, but those parents know that they may not be around as long as their children will need help. Their focus is to get them functioning with as much independence as quickly as possible. The road of learning is long. Best to get on with it. Why would we do otherwise for our any of our children?
Great article Alice. I was thinking about this the other day…in reference to the NY mom.
When I was young I used to rollarskate outside on my own for 5 plus hours a day…even on school nights. I used to walk 5 blocks away to go to the corner store. In the summer I would ride horseback alone for 2-3 hours at a time when I was only 7-8 years old. I would hike back to the mini golf at a campgrounds behind my grandmother’s large property.
But I get sweaty palms just thinking about letting my kids do that same stuff. What is wrong here?
I wonder what the cost of this paranoia is. What are we robbing our kids of when we hold on too tight? Is this why so many young adults can’t function on their own…because they never had the chance to learn how to do so?
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I am so glad that you wrote this article. I too have looked up the crime statistics and found out that my kid is far more likely to have a heart attack than be abducted by a stranger.
When we over-protect our children we give them the message that they cannot trust themselves. I teach my children to look out for red flags and what to do if they spot them. I empower them. I teach them to be independent. I believe this is the greatest gift I can give them as their mother.
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It’s a challenge for some to let go, but on the other hand some parents aren’t there at all to watch there kids. I think that is what annoyes me most. I’m the one who is in the background, keeping an eye on my daughter - and I find that there are moms no where in sight watching there own 5 and 6 year olds. I think that is way to young to be left alone!
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Great article Alice, but I think there’s a huge difference between “over protective” and “wanting to do everything.”
I will never apologize for being “over protective” which to me is making sure my kids are safe. I don’t hover over them like a hawk, watching their every single move outside nor do I try to insulate them from life. If they have a problem, I might help them figure out what to say but they handle the situation.
“Wanting to do everything” to me, is the parent who fills out the kid’s college application and accompanies him to the interview, filling his head with what they need to say. In that respect, I couldn’t agree more that as parents we need to step back and let them figure out some life lessons on their own.