Marital separations affect more than the two people who are married. Children of separating parents are affected, too. If you and your spouse are planning a marital separation, you will need to tell the children.
The parents in a separation will be emotional once the decision to separate has been made. If the split is not a mutual decision, there will be more emotional upheaval on the part of the wronged spouse. While the two of you are nursing your wounds, the children are standing by with scared looks on their faces.
It is best to wait until you are both emotionally ready to handle a sit down meeting with your kids. Crying or yelling at each other in front of the children won’t solve anything. Do your best to table any questions that the children have until you can honestly face them.
When the time comes, you and your spouse need to sit the children down. Older children will understand the terminology more so than the younger ones. Present a united front even if you don’t feel like it. Tell them in the simplest terms what is about to happen to their family.
Resist the urge to blame each other. At this moment, the object is not to assign blame but to put the children at ease in a difficult situation. Once you have said your peace, give the kids a chance to ask questions.
The meeting may get emotional on the part of your children, but be strong. They need to be heard out without the added pressure of feeling that their comments have made you upset. Older children will get angry. Being allowed to express anger gives them a measure of control over their lives.
After the initial meeting, take time to meet with each child individually. Reassure your children that the reason for the separation is not them. Children want to know that both parents will still love them even if one no longer lives in the household. As long as they are communicating with you, any problems that arise can be dealt with right away.
Tell your children what the new living arrangements will be. The spouse that is moving (usually the husband) should take the kids to see their new place. Your children need to see you as much as they can in the beginning mostly for reassurance that you are not going to disappear and leave them forever.
Separating is hard for parents and children. When you both are ready, tell your children what is going on. Let them know that the marital separation is not their fault and that your love for them will not change even though the living situation will.
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