Having marriage issues? Before you go running off to couples therapy, ask yourself this question. When was the last time I treated my spouse as a friend? Most will agree, the healthiest marriages are based on friendship. Yet, so often couples lapse into prewritten “married people” scripts that are not even remotely close to friendly behavior!

Do you make certain demands on your husband because that’s the way your mother treated your father? Do you use the same phrases in speaking to your wife that your dad uttered to your mom? Would you treat your friend in the same manner? My guess is no.

Here are five things married couples do to each other that they’d never do to their friends.

1. Disrespect their partner in the company of others.

When was the last time you poked fun, rolled your eyes at, vehemently disagreed with or nitpicked the way your spouse chose to phrase a story in public? Would you behave the same way if you were out with a friend? For married people, being out in public together often means open ego warfare. This is as painful to watch as it is to be a direct participant. Next time your wife or husband is “being themselves” out with friends, just smile and remember that it is really not a big deal.

2. Regularly break plans.

If you decide to get together with a friend for lunch or dinner, do you back out last-minute? Why would you do such a thing to your husband or wife? Sure, having the rest of your lives to spend every day together may seem like a good reason to be lax about social outings, but think about the message this sends out. Do you really want your partner to think that you take him or her for granted? Do something good for your marriage; call them right now, make dinner plans and stick to them.

3. Nag, nag, nag.

Do you call up your friends and make demands on them? Why would you do this to your husband or wife? Harping, fussing, nagging and nitpicking are all really unappealing behaviors that escalate into open psychological warfare. Once they’ve begun, they’re a tough pattern to break. What would make you happier: telling your partner what to do and watching them do it begrudgingly, or giving them a chance to do something for you because they simply WANTED to do it?

4. Sabotage the holidays.

Unhappy spouses often make their misery known around the holidays. This can mean picking fights, taking it out on the in-laws, or even being unhelpful or uncooperative during the family festivities as “subtle revenge.” If our friends were to suddenly show up during an unpleasant Thanksgiving scene, how ashamed would we feel? Sweep those resentful feelings under the rug and remember to be thankful for your husband or wife, faults and all.

5. Forget your manners.

Please, thank-you, excuse me, and I’m sorry are no less important at home than they are when in the company of your friends and colleagues. Treat your spouse with kindness, don’t behave boorishly, correct your mistakes, remember your manners, apologize, forgive and forget. Little things really do mean a lot.

Sure, you vowed to stay together “for better or for worse,” but why make it worse when it can easily be so much better.

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